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stats are for losers but

Lifetime Average: .358

Diving Catches: 50+

Times a Babe Said Ok Who's That Guy And Also Is He Single?: AT LEAST 12

Lost Teeth: 2 BUT THEY WERE LOOSE ANYWAYS

Home Runs:  LET'S JUST SAY THE OLD LADIES IN THE PARKING LOT BREAK OUT THEIR OXYGEN TANKS WHEN I GET UP 

Favorite Player: (tie) MARK MCGUIRE AFTER ROIDS AND SAMMY SOSA BEFORE HE WAS WHITE

Times I've Made Liz From Chili's Crack The Fuck Up: INFINITY